I can’t believe I’m doing this…blogging, that is. I feel like the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz. I don’t have the COURAGE it takes to reveal myself; to show up, so to speak. I was amazingly good at hide and seek as a child. Who knew, I’d use those skills for most of my life. It’s hard for me to even fathom that what I actually believe or have to say is relevant. I Am the cowardly lion. No, wait. Not the cowardly lion, no, I Am the tin man. DO I HAVE THE HEART to blog? I had a heart when I was young. It was alive and well and living in the San Fernando Valley, a long time ago. It pumped joy, play, and wonder. If I submerged myself in the bathtub, held my breath and lay there quietly, I could hear it. No, wait, I’m not the tin man. I can definitely hear my heart beating. I think my neighbors can hear my heart pounding away in my chest because this is my very first blog and I’m terrified. It’s just that my heart feels more like a hard hat heart, just doing its job — the joyful, playful, awestruck heart is hiding in a very safe place. Wait. I’m not the tin man; he was my least favorite character of the three. Seriously, I liked the flying monkeys and the wicked witch better than the tin man. I Am the scarecrow. I love the scarecrow. I used to have a BRAIN. A pretty good one, if I say so myself. It was witty, wise, whimsical and sometimes downright insightful. But the fog of menopause rolled in and took all of that away. My brain is on pause…If I can just get through this never-ending, 24 hour, 7 day a week roller coaster ride of hot flashes, (Is anybody else sweating like a long distant runner in the Mojave Desert?), mood swings, (I love you, no…I hate you, I really, really hate you!), weight gain (I do believe the dry cleaner is shrinking my clothes), insomnia (My beloved dog, Eli, refuses to sleep with me because I have restless sleeper syndrome) I know my brain will reveal itself to me. Olly, Olly, Oxen free!
I just realized I Am Blogging…I do have courage. I do have a heart. And, I do have a brain. And I have many, many things to say. Of motherhood, marriage, family, near death (not once, but twice), dis-ease, spirituality, friendship, animals, books, cooking, movies and menopause aka mind-on-pause. I hope you’ll read my blog. Perhaps together we can enlighten, ease the feelings of aloneness, step into our magnificence, sit with the fear, frolic in the poppy field, and find our way home.