I Am Profoundly…Enough

If we were not so single-minded

About keeping our lives moving,

And for once could do nothing,

Perhaps a huge silence

Might interrupt this sadness

Of never understanding ourselves

And of threatening ourselves with death.

Now I’ll count up to twelve

And you keep quiet and I will go.

“Keeping Quiet” by Pablo Neruda

Stop for a moment, will you? Just wait a moment and listen.  Can’t do it, can you?  Me neither.  It’s akin to ‘mission impossible’.  Unless I’m stricken by an illness, struck by lightening, stuck in traffic or waiting in line at Disneyland for another ride on the Matterhorn, I’m on the move.  In all honesty, I think I’ve become addicted to being busy.  I’ve come down with some viral bug that’s taken over my body and made me chronically OTG (on the go).  I’ve become a speed freak of sorts; main lining speed, productivity and busyness as if my life depended upon it daily and habitually.

In my continual pursuit of authenticity I am going to own up and share with you an insight of sorts that has rocked my world.  One moment, please, as we pause, that’s right, we are doing nothing but waiting for the brass band to trumpet my ‘a ha’ moment…

The busy pursuit of “being” has become my primary vocation, and it sucks.  I quit!

I quit trying to justify my worth to myself and to others.  I am no longer interested in seeking the ‘always on the move,’ ever elusive approval from my mother, my family – be they blood or adopted — my friends, my neighbors and any and all strangers.  I’m officially letting go of the fear that I Am not good enough, nor that I have not accomplished enough so that I could be deemed acceptable.

Here’s the deal.  I accept me for who I Am right now in this moment of time.  I Am all there is, nothing more and nothing less.  I’m smart enough, skinny enough, worthy enough, kind enough, funny enough, happy enough and loving enough.  I Am simply, profoundly enough.  Sufficient, Adequate and Ample.  That’s me.

“Be still,” says the psalmist, “and know that I am God.”

So, take a moment and look for me.  I’m the woman sitting very, very still listening to the voice of my heart, teaching me what is true, what is necessary, what is healing, and what is loving.

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Sticks and Stones…

"Speech is the mirror of the soul; as a man speaks, so he is." Publillus Syrus

The other day I almost drowned in a ravage sea of verbal abuse.  It’s not important to review the specifics of the assault, but believe me, I felt attacked — punched so hard that it literally took my breath away. In those ensuing three minutes of verbal violence, those horribly negative, angry, filth infested words thrown at me had a life of their own.  Honestly, they were like some virulent organism, capable of growing, expanding, transforming, impacting my thoughts and feelings, effecting my entire day.  It felt as if their seething energy crossed the barrier of my skin, gained entry into my cells, and advanced straight towards my ego with rapid precision.  Before I knew it, those loathsome words began to sing harmony with antiquated hurtful rhetoric, carbon dated verbal assaults and innuendoes spoken by elementary school teachers, classmates, my mother, ex lovers, strangers, co-workers, and last but definitely not least, my very own self negating speak.

For several moments I actually took in the vicious words as if they were true and then I had an epiphany of sorts and realized I was no longer that wounded child of long ago who had to listen to negative speak hurled my way believing it was true, taking it in, owning it, and apologizing so that I would be loved once again.  Nope!  In that moment, I remembered that I was an adult woman learning to accept myself just as I Am, without judgment or violence.  At an early age, I experienced the sting of emotional pain, and internalized a lot of that judgment and cruelty in my heart.  But as an adult, I am dedicated to a practice of non-violence to others and myself.  I realize now that I, and most everyone I meet, share a tender need for self-mercy and care.  (And that includes the maniac screaming obscenities at me earlier!)

Every person and every situation that I encounter in my life holds some teaching for me and is always a huge opening to grow and awaken spiritually. Let me be honest here.  It took me several days to shake off this experience.  It took an entire session with my spiritual teacher, hours and hours of Kundalini yoga, much ‘processing’ with my husband and several friends before I understood the ‘illumination’ of that attack, and here it is:

Any and all violence we commit against ourselves simply feeds the violence all around us and perpetuates the very suffering we experienced as children.  When we are hurtful to ourselves or to others, the sticky remains of that violence stays in our bodies and our hearts like some shape-shifting virus, cutting us off from our healing, and separating us from our divinity.

The Sufis say that real truth is always spoken with love, and that every single word we utter must pass through three gates:

At the first gate we ask ourselves, “Are these words TRUE?”  If so, we let them pass on.  At the second gate we ask, “Are they NECESSARY?”   And finally, at the last gate, we ask ourselves, “Are they KIND?”

If they are not, kindly remain silent!

Concentrated Stillness — A Path to Healing

"Nothing in all creation is so like God as stillness." Meister Eckhart

I woke up a few mornings ago with the whirlies.  Technically, it’s called, Meniere’s disease, which is an inner ear disorder that affects balance and/or hearing.  Here’s how this dis-ease manifests itself in me; I feel as I’ve been living on a small boat adrift at sea for months on end. Even though I’ve been given permission to come ashore, my sea legs carry me like a drunken sailor and the horizon becomes one big teeter totter, moving up and down, to and fro.  My stomach goes on the fritz, the wiring in my brain gets tangled, and I become terribly, terribly tired.  My ‘To Do’ list is replaced with a ‘Can’t  Do’ List.   I can’t: read, write, cook, practice my healing arts, do yoga, ride my horse, drive, care for my family or friends, tend to my animals, take a walk in nature — can’t really participate much in the doingness of my life.  With no fuel in the tank, no wind in the sails, unmoored, and shipwrecked on an isolated island called, the Duxiana, I sip peppermint tea and water, peck at Basmati rice, and rest.

Concentrated stillness. I read those words in a book by Sue Monk Kidd.  She writes that stillness can be the prayer that transforms us. Maybe the whirlies show up to get me to stop spinning like a top, and become motionless; to stop doing and start being.  With nowhere to go, with no place to be – where can I go but within? Inside myself I come face to face with my anxiety, I greet my restlessness and I give sadness a hug.  I reacquaint myself with judgment whose vitriolic voice chides me for taking time ‘off.’  I let these feelings flow through me, and work diligently on NOT beating myself up; I see that medieval club I’ve used for most of my life, sitting there, calling me, but I ignore it’s song.  Okay, maybe I do pick it up, but thank God for the whirlies, (did I just say that?)  I don’t have the strength it takes to lift that weighty stick and start pummeling myself. I resolve to remain in concentrated stillness; to just wait in the moment and do nothing.  Zilch, zip, nada, this is my morning mantra.

Three days later, I awake with great care and open my eyes.  My dog Eli, lifts his head and stares at me.  The room is still, I smile at him, he wags his smile back with his tail.  I get up and I walk a straight path to the bathroom.  I Am back on terra firma and it feels wonderful!

Mid day I meditate on my beloved porch and ponder the teachings bestowed upon me as I navigated the turbulent sea of the whirlies.  This is what has been brought to my awareness:  Perhaps our greatest healing manifests itself in stillness.  Perhaps in stillness we can truly touch our heart and spirit with a hushed reverence.  Perhaps there we can hear the voice of intuition whispering to us that which is true, necessary and healing.  Perhaps in stillness we reawaken to our Divine strength and wisdom.  Perhaps.

So, it is back to life I go.  Back to the doing of life, but even in this world where achievement rules supreme, where drive thru experiences take too long and instant manifestation is a spiritual practice, I will rest.  And do you know why?   Because “In six days God made heaven and earth, and on the seventh day rested and was refreshed.”  And if it’s good enough for God, it’s good enough for me.